Sunday, April 10, 2016

The Feminine Side of The Uber Dad

     So where has the world famous, kiss stealing, wheeling dealing, rolex wearing, limousine riding, jet flying Uber Dad been?  Not having a hard time holding my alligators down, that's for sure.  I've been getting in touch with my feminine side.  That's right, you heard it here first.  You see, my day job is that of an award winning (this is a recent occurrence, but I'm not making it up.  I've actually been voted OUTSTANDING.  That's a first!) historian, but I moonlight as a "jack of all trades" ball coach.  Yep, I'm in the same league as the ole ball coach Steve Spurrier.  Well, not really, but I do truly enjoy working with young people and helping to facilitate a fantastic time on whatever field of play we're talking about.  Football, Baseball, Basketball, Socc....disregard.  Never did soccer, but I have now been introduced to the glorious world of Girls 9U Softball.  Yes sir!  Additionally, as of late while my oldest, the equally world famous Speed demon with the heart of gold, young Jesse (J-Jam) Perry is playing middle school baseball I have rejoined my companion of so many years ago the lovely Miss Madino!  As parents, you have to divide and conquer, and with all that history out there that needs my direct attention and whatnot, my awesome better half Dr. Cheryl has taken over my baseball dad duties and created a baseball mom movement all her own.  But, the Perrydawg (that's me) was forced to come out of retirement.  That's right.  My wife told me that I needed to coach Maddie's softball team because I am such a fantastic and knowledgeable master of the game and sports in general.  Well, to be honest she knew that Maddie needed a certain practice time, and the best way that she could control the issue was put good ole Pdawg to work doing what he does best.  Work the room....and schedule an early practice undoubtedly.  So, long story short, you're talking to the Head Softball Coach of the 9U Lime Lions.  That's right.  We're bright and we're bad.  We'll highlight, pun intended, your day and chew you up and spit you out!  Well, probably not the latter, but you never know.  These girls mean business.

     Before I wax poetic about these fantastic young ladies that I have the pleasure of coaching, I want to relay an event that occurred right before our practice the other day.  Spring Break was the timeline, and I was running with my main gal Madino.  We've been spending quite a bit of quality time together lately, and it is nostalgic of the good old days when she used to eat sweet potato baby food and leave unidentified substances on my clothing, and I could change a diaper like I was in the pits at Talladega.  Times have changed, but I still have some skills.  Like cooking lunch.  Hey, I'm heck at preheating an oven and boiling water.  I got game people.  I can nuke some Mac and Cheese with the best of them, don't hate.  On this day things got crazy, and long story short- Cheryl came home to burnt towels and a scorched stove.  Maddie, ever the grifter, was attempting to work me for some dessert or something and attacked her prey at a time when I was most vulnerable.  While attempting to cook.  After she was given the go ahead to eat chips or ice cream or something or other, I began to smell burning and see smoke.  Unfortunately, my cat like reflexes are not equipped to handle cooking emergencies, and it took me longer than normal to find the dish towel on fire on the stove.  I did attack it like they did on Backdraft though.  Threw that bad boy in the sink and turned the water on.  The fire won't get me.  I know more than it does.  Plus, I have opposable thumbs.  That comes in handy.  On to the softball!

     These girls are amazing.  They're showing me a thing or two.  Back in the day when I once coached boys baseball, football, and basketball- I had a young man that had an affinity for eating dirt, a young football player that I swear kept a shiv in his cleats, and I have witnessed grown men get teed up in a 5 year old basketball game and chase football referees to the parking lot wanting to throw hands.  Craziness.  This is NOT that.  These girls are professionals.  On the field and off.  Plus, normally, girls smell better than boys.  It's a scientific fact.  My girl, young Maddie Perry, has not donned a ball cap or visor (Girl's wear visors.  I found that out when I had to purchase hats.  You see those of us who are let's say, follicley challenged, should not ever wear a visor.  Not enough coverage, but I digress) since she played rag ball back many moons ago.  Well, it probably wasn't that many moons, I guess, because Maddie hasn't seen that many moons yet.  Regardless, it's been a few years.  If you don't know what Rag Ball is, it is like herding cats.  It's organized chaos of the under 5 year old set.  It's more of an event for the parents to watch their little ones hit off a tee and run around the bases.  The kids don't know or really care, normally, what's going on, but it is what it is.

     Game Day approached for the fantastic Lime Lions, and they were ready.  The day was unusually chilly but the bats were on fire!  These girls truly put on a hitting display.  Hit after hit, run after run, it was as if they were possessed by the spirit of Mickey Mantle.  Wait, hold on, we're talking about young women here so....the spirit of Mary Lou Retton or Sonja Henie, maybe Flo Jo! (That's Florence Griffith Joyner to those who don't already know)  Ashley, Graclyn, Ella, Gianna, Mady Claire, Carissa, Maddie P (my girl,) Kennedy, Katylin, Madison, and Karla were present and in full effect.  We were rockin and rollin!   Throw in fine coaches like Marlow and Bobby, and an outstanding team mom in Krista- that's a winning combination.  It's going to be a fantastic year, and I think its pretty cool that I get to hang out with 11 wonderful young ladies who actually enjoy my company!  Now don't go thinking because I'm running with girls that I've done went and got soft.  These girls are not your tea party kind.  They're tough.  They're smart.  They're awesome.  They're my friends.  It's like the back in the day when I wore an 88 on my jersey and tried to kill quarterbacks.  You mess with one of us, you got us all.  They're much cuter than I am, and likely will kill you with cuteness.  Still tough as nails.  I'm glad that I've got in touch with my feminine side, and found such fine examples of what it means to be a girl.  Thank you ladies!  The Lime Lions are coming.  Get ready.  Things are about to get interesting.